yea she dumb, but she mine, alllllll miiiiiine

I once made a promise to myself i would never ever write about what happens to me at my job in fear of what could happen to me. after much thinking and coaxing from a friend i have decided to do away with that promise only because some of my best stories are now because of the the people i work with. to put it nicely they are all insane and here is how i deiced to prove it with some life lessons, but no real name will be used and you will never know where i work, unless of course you are ready know where i work or you work with me oh creepy if you read my blog.

TO start thing off im going to write a story that i tell a lot of people about little ol lady. yes thats the name i gave her shut up. Ok it was me Nard Dog, Mac C and Lil ol lady and we all went to grab a bite to eat at the local el chico, me and the nard dog frequented there at this time to get away from the place we call work any who we are sitting there looking at our menus figuring out what we wanted to eat so i order some cheese dip while we look the was the usual for me and the nard dog well lil ol lady starts looking at us funny and says "what is that?, What Is That?, WHAT IS THAT?" now i can do it any justice but just think about the funniest lil old lady voice saying that and you will be close. so i tell here its cheese dip "ohhhhhhh cheese?" at this point i can only Columbus find the Americas had the same reaction to finding something new so the nard dog ask if she would like to try some and she is all about some cheese dip at this time i ,mean she is going at it with fury and rage i have never seen before the whole time saying "oh it so geewd oh so geewed oh geewed" then nard dog says "he said you could try it no eat all of it" with her mouth full of cheese dip and chips she says "sorry but its so geewed" thats not the grossest part of this outing there was the simple fact that the little ol lady never realized she had cheeses dip all around her mouth, you also have to understand at el chico they sell two different types of cheese dip there is yellow and there is white we had bout the white so it looked like well i think you get the idea with out me going on if not then go rub white cheese dip all over your face an figure it out for yourself and no i didnt tell her because if i did it wouldnt be funny if i did.

I pooted on your pillow, i hope you get pink eye.

So my birthday is 3 days away and i plan on doing a special "super fantastic explosive edition" of Because poop smells like shit, that's the name of my blog for those that didn't pay attention, in this edition there will be over 83 hours of my life photographed and or written about. It will be fantastic and yes kinda sad. We will grow together as you read it so get ready for an all new train wreck of fun, silliness, and sorrow i call life. thanks again and keep doing what ever it is you do to get paid or for fun in between reading my blog Oh and go see Zombie land it fuckin rocks.

Yea i just rubbed that, all over my face.*

Some of my stories happen at a happy little place called Three Crow Bar and for good reason. Its a good place to hang out with people. Plus two for one Wed & Sun is good enuff for me to stop by and say hi. Well one particular night with my friend ben we had an espicially fun evening.

We get there and we find a table and leap on it as fast as possible, I think i even elbowed a nin to get to my table. So we are hangin out having a blast playing cheesey ass songs on the Jukebox. It was a wicked good time. Then all of a sudden this hot girl comes to our table and starts chatting us up. Now this is not the norm for three crow, not because im not attractive, lets face it im hot, ok now we have that out of the way, she is really cool and fun to talk to i make her laugh ben makes her laugh she makes us laugh then all of a sundden she looks at a table behind her and ill be damned if its not full of at least 6 other fine girls. At this point i take a mental not as to what i have one, what i did that day and how i did it, because obviously what ever i did it worked ( side note i copied eveything i did that day one time and went to three crow on a 2 4 1 night and it did not work at all) they all come over and i ask them what they do for a living, you know just making convo, & being the nice guy i am. When all of them say what they do. Ladies and gents im not lieing to you when i write this, this is really what they do. a libraryan, a firewoman, a teacher, a doctor, a vetinarian, a dentist. Me and ben look at each other wow they are girls and have real jobs this is to crazy. They ask me and ben and we tell them they giggle not because our jobs suck but because we both have funny stories that go with our jobs. We get a round of shots and befor we take them something hits me. I lean over to be and say this. " you do realize the last time we hang out with these girls was when we were four and the were in a childrens book." ben looks at me then at them and says "yea but im 26 and they are fine and they are real now" Needless too say we didnt hook up with any of them, sad i know, but it was funny. They were cool, we were nice so it was a good time. We see the girls out randomly but never as a group, till this day we never see them out as a group and its usually just one of the never together. Side story when we first started talking to them one of the girls said this to ben "you sir are a thug" ben "what?, how the hell am i thug" girl " you sir are put together well and smell good" ben "then i guess i am a thug" Seth " and i smell like shit"


* - still working on this

let me go ahead and apologize ahead of time (adult content)

I've been to Knoxville plenty of times to realize that I would have failed miserably if i tried to go there, so like a smart person i just visited friend that attended there and yes there are plenty of good stories that came from my visits.On one visit Mike and I went up for the UGA game it was awesome. Georgia smashed them but that's not where the story is even though in that game Georgia ran back a 98 yard fumble. Its what happen after the game that made this trip magical.

We arrive in Knoxville and the smell of liquor hits my face like a brick, Mike looks at me and says this will be the best trip ever, and i agree. We show up to my friend Dug's apartment with a bag of clothes and a bottle of liquor each. Mike went with E & J and I went with Absolute, and we could of wet with the small bottles but noooooooooooooooooooo we went with the big boys. This was going to be a fun night to say the least. We get to the apartment and get started or at least catch up. The rest of the night is kinda a bler with flashes of stupid stuff we did like when Brando showed up after the game explaining about how he ran from the stadium and how he snuck liquor in by taping zip locked bags to his legs lol. Another one was when Mike was walking to the store to get some more drink and the helicopter hit him with the spot lite and he came back and we asked him why he same back and all he would say is "the helicopter caught me, freaking commies.". Or there was the breaking glass incident when me and dug were talking a really attractive girl way to pretty for me, and i mean WAY to pretty for me, or even Dug ( he is my pretty friend, and I'm not ashamed to admit it). So we are talking and i have had one, two, ten to many and I say something along the lines about how big Dug is ( I've herd rumors, but never positively confirmed this) and smash my glass cup on the ground and run off. Why would I do such a thing you ask, because I was batman and when your batman when you want to leave a situation you gotta got out like batman and distract everyone when you leave, so i smashed a glass on the ground and scampered off. There was also the time that dug called a beeper to come pick him up but he didn't show for three hours and when he did i was the only one outside and i made him take me to the store to get some more drink, so yes i posed as a frat boy for ten min. The Vic and Bill's incident was a good one Dug wanted to take us and it was late and we were hungry so we went. We get there and its packed, but we find a booth and we sit down dug get our food order for us so we are all three waiting at our booth when all of a sudden this girl come and sits down next to me and just starts talking to us like she has been there the whole time, but she hasn't and she is getting on my nerves because she wont shut up and she is obviously flirting with Dug and her gay friend is creeping me out big time. So I look at her and ask I'm my most sobering voice "UMMM are we going to make out or what?" She politely answers " Oh my god, no way ugh" so i nicely say " the get the f**** out of my booth stupid" when her gay friend say " damn girl he told you" and I laugh at her. then when we exit Vic and Bills there are two girls having trouble finding there cell phone and ask us to help them find it its in there car so we do. Then all of a sudden two large black me walk up and say very nicely
"what the hell are yall doing" dug quickly defuses the situation that I made easy because I kept shouting we are on the same team because I noticed that they were Georgia fans. So we finally get home and lay down for bed and i pass out immediately. I'm sleeping like a baby when to guys enter the room and wake me up by shaking my leg and calling me dug. they turn on the lights and say "your not dug" when i say "na duh what the hell are you guys" and they say "who the hell are you" this wen on for ten min and i can't help but notice that they have just shaved there heads with razors, how do you know that you may ask, well i can tell because the have cuts in there heads and are bleeding slightly in different areas on there heads. We finally figure out we are both friends of Dug's and I go back to sleep. This was just the first night. WOW!

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Because Bill is my friend!

When i was young my mom asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up and I told her i wanted to be an army man, she said "well go to school great and education and you can be an army man". The I said "no i don't wanna be that i want to be a police man", she said "well go to school get a good education and you can be a police man". Then i said "no I want to be a fireman, she said "well got to school and get a good education and you can be a fireman". Then I said "no I wanna be a garbage man when i grown up", she said "well go to school get a good education and you can be a garbage man". Then i said "Mom i wanna be stupid". I would like to let everyone know that I'm just living the dream!

Just call me Mr. Awsome.

A lot of people don't know this about me but at one point in my life i was a preschool teacher. I was a preschool teacher for about a year and it was the most fun i have ever had at a job. I worked with four year old classroom. I'm not going to say where i worked for reasons all my own.Now a lot of funny things happen but the one story that stand out to me the most is this one.

One day out at the playground i was sitting watching the kids play on the playground when another teacher came and asked me a question and we started to talk. Don't worry there were other teachers watching the kids. There was one kid in my class that i really connected with he thought i was the coolest i and i thought the exact same about him. Well i was talking to the other teacher he came up to me and tyred to get my attention. He said "Mr. Sef, Mr. Sef" ( that what the kids called me they couldn't say Mr. Seth) I told him to hold one one second, but he kept going "Mr. Sef, Mr. Sef" I told him to hold one one more time. He climb up the back side of the picnic table that i was sitting on, so i couldn't see him. He said "Mr. Sef" I said what is it and turned my head. As soon as i got all the way around i was met with a fist to the the temple. This four year old drops me to my knees. It was a flash knockout. He jumps on my back and starts laughing. It was a joke to him, but not really to me because i just got knockout by a four year old. Man i miss that job sometimes.

Like a fat kid finishing first in the 100 yard dash, its not going to happen.

Never ever underestimate the power of the song "Fat Bottom Girls" sang live by 1000000000000000 drunk people and Frank Wycheck. It has the power to move mountains. Well at least 1000000000000000000 drunk people and Frank Wycheck. Sisters birthday was a blast.

But why can't I?

My friend Mike has got to be one of the coolest people in the world he has also got to be the one person i enjoy making laugh more than anything in this world. Why? Well because when he is truly laughing it is a sight to see. But this story isn't about Mike laughing its about Mike almost killing someone and its not sad hell Mike even laughs at it now. Well at least i think he does.

Me, Mike, and well lets just say it was me and Mike were at a party at R.W. house and we were just hanging out having fun. I was being my usually loud and crazy self and Mike was just hanging out. We knew a lot of people the mostly people i hung out with when i was in high school and now we are all in college and just hanging out. Well one of the people i hung out with in H.S. was there and we will just call him J.G. was there and he was starting to get on Mike's nerves and he was getting uneasy. J.G. kept nagging him and nagging and wouldn't stop you could actually see Mike starting to get pissed off and was uneasy. The J.G. said something really dumb to Mike. He said " Me and you man see man me and you are the same we are just alike" witch was a far from the truth as possible. I haven't see a person almost rip the soul out of another many times but Mike almost did. He don't like hearing bullshit to ofter and he hit his limit that night and so they start arguing. They star bickering and the only thing i could hear before it got broke up was Mike saying this " You know why i don't like you, because when you were in elementary school you wore Nike's and when i was in elementary school i wore voit's and I'm still bitter about that shit bitch" greatest quote ever right there every time i hear that it still makes me smile.

Wel that was uncalled for.

Now i wouldn't say I'm a raging alcoholic or anything like that. I am actually proud of myself on the fact that i have slowed my drinking down as much as i have. I used to be really bad. So know here is a look back at one of the dumbest things i have ever said while well you know.

Back in the day i used to frequent a bar called Mulligan's. Its a great place good drinks good music just a nice atmosphere. Well i was there with a group of people that i don't really talk to any more so i don't really feel bad about saying what i said. i was there hanging out doing what i do and just being my stupid self. Drinking my beer and having the occasional Irish car bomb. Witch is a glass of Guinness and a shot of baileys Irish cream mixed with whiskey. It calls for a wicked good time. Well this particular night i was enjoying my time there to say the least. Now there isn't much i can do very well, I can make people laugh, I can ship dental suppllies, and i can drink really really fast. Its almost ridiculous how fast i can drink. I'm not proud of it, but ill run with it. So that night the people i was with were talking about a friend they had was faster than me and she paid her was threw college out drinking guys twice my size and bla bla bla. Well the more the night went on the more they kept talking and the more they got on my nerves. So finally a pound my last beer down and they say some smart comment and I ask them well where is she them they proceed to tell me how she died three years ago and other stuff i forget and how she would drink faster than me and made me look like a bitch. When there are done i look at both of them and say this. ** Warning this is really dumb and don't for get the state of mind I'm in** I say " well go dig the bitch up and tell her lets go". Yes that exactly word for word what i told the without a flinch. I'm not proud by any means for what i said but after that they left me alone. It might of been for that or for some other stuff i called them out on. all i know is thank god i slowed down.

King of the appla.

When someone looks you in the eye and says "you know in retrospect my hindsight is 20-20" You look them in the eye and say "flabgabba goob" and stab them in the head with a pencil.Or at least thats what i wanted to do. Why say flabgabba goob because that makes and much since as what they said.

How to remain clam in a burning building.

The summer of 2002 I was visiting my friend Elliot in the boro. it was me, Tid, Aron, i think Greene and chase and some other people. I just can't remember them. We were hanging out doin stupid stuff as we would usually do, when the most outrageous offer ever presented itself to us. Elliot's neighbor walked over with a keg in his hand and said "hey you guys want this, yall can have the beer we just need the keg back and we don't have a pump" he had a party the night before and it was what was left over it was about half full. So of course we took it. Now this is where the challenge presented itself to use. How do we get the beer out? We tryed many different things so many i don't remember all of the but i do remember what worked. What we would do is first shake the keg then take the bottom half of a funnel that we had cut off and shove it in the neck of the keg cosing the beer to spray out, and it would spray all over the place. We collected the beer in a gallon milk jug with the top cut off then we would pour it into a pitcher and place it in the fridge. we did this until all the beer was gone, and yes i was the guy that shook the keg and the guy that would shove the nossel in the neck to get the beer out. If you don't believe me Tid has a video of me doing this with my shirt off. Not most outstanding moment, but it was funny as hell.